


Challenge Fic

by T_L



Category: Justice League & Justice League Unlimited (Cartoons)
Genre: Humor, Sillyfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2004-10-18
Updated: 2004-10-18
Packaged: 2019-06-01 07:50:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15138515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/T_L/pseuds/T_L
Summary: This is a response to Bruce and Diana Wayne's Challenge "a good opportunity". ABANDONNED!





	Challenge Fic

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted at jlaunlimited.com

60 points – Your story must:

  1. Have Batman show signs of an addiction to coffee
  2. Have Wonder Woman wear a fancy dress
  3. Have a scene in which Superman says a very dramatic and famous quote
  4. Have J’onn go out on a date
  5. Have John and Shayera fight over something that remains a secret to the audience until the end
  6. Have at least two of the guys watching a ‘chick flick’
  7. Have someone (other than Wally) on a sugar high
  8. Have someone getting a make-over or some sort of fashion consulting
  9. Have someone get into a telepathic argument with J’onn
  10. Have someone’s emotions represented by little people living in their heads
  11. Have a talking parrot that annoys at least four members of the League
  12. Have someone ‘drowning their sorrows’ in a substance of your choice (-3 points if it’s J’onn because his date didn’t go well)



 

5 Extra points (each) for:

  * Someone writing an email
  * Lois Lane
  * Linda
  * a Hippo
  * a food fight of some sort
  * the word ‘charcuterie’
  * someone who thinks that there’s a person on the other side of the mirror
  * wigs
  * a pumpkin, mistletoe, and an Easter egg (and it can’t just be a list of items [similes, however, are acceptable])
  * someone learning a new word (but not ‘charcuterie’)
  * Captain Atom, Supergirl, Green Arrow, Black Canary, Nightwing, Oracle, or any of the Teen Titans



 

 

* * *

 

 

It was just another normal day at the Watchtower. Well, as normal as it can get with seven Superheroes.

Wonder Woman and Hawkgirl were fighting in the trainingroom, Flash and Green Lantern were watching football, J'onn was meditating, Supermen was on monitor duty and Batman was in Gotham.

"What the- where did this come from?!" Superman's shout caused the rest of the League (save Batman) to storm into the Monitor Womb.

"Charcuterie, charcuterie!"

"Where did this parrot come from?" Superman pointed at the red bird.

"I brought him", Flash spoke up, "I thought he could be our mascot."

"should have known", mumbled Green Lantern, "Who else would bring a talking parrot to the Watchtower?"

"Charcuterie, charcuterie!"

"If he's yours, you get him to shut up!", John snapped at Flash.

"Sorry, GL, can't. I tried, but no luck."

"Charcuterie, charcuterie!"

"Shut him up or I'll smash him through the wall!" Hawkgirl raised her mace.

"Perhaps you could explain why your psephotus pulcherimus keeps repeating the word 'charcuterie' ?" J'onn looked at Flash expectantly.

[author's notes: psephotus pulcherimus is Latin for a special kind of parrot. If that parrot doesn't fit my description I'm sorry, but it was the only Latin name for parrot I could find.]

"I taught him to say that." Flash swelled with pride. "I thought he should say something special as our mascot."

"And what exactly does it mean?", Superman asked, dreading the answer.

"I dunno, I just picked it up somewhere and thought it would be a nice word for our mascot."

"So does anybody know what it means?", asked Superman, looking around at the gathered heroes.

"It's French for 'cold cuts'"

Everybody whirled around. There, standing in the doorway was Batman. He glared at Flash.

"What about the 'no pets in the Watchtower' rule?"

"He's not a pet, he's our mascot", Flash tried to defend himself.

"We're the Justice League, not a football team, we don't need a mascot!"

"Oh, pretty, pretty, pretty please? I'll take care of him!", Flash pleaded.

"No!"

"Perhaps we could allow the parrot to stay if Flash is totally responsible for it?", suggested J'onn.

"OK, but if that bird does any damage I'll get rid of it my way."

"Thanks, Bats, I'll make sure he does nothing!", said Flash, "But we have to name him. How about 'Corax'?"

"Whatever", grumbled John.

"Well", said Superman, "since this has been cleared, why don't we get back to what we were doing before Corax interrupted us?"

"Right", said Hawkgirl and pulled Diana back to the trainingroom with her.

Green Lantern and Flash went back to their football game and J'onn left to continue meditating.

Batman, however, was still in the Monitor Womb.

"Clark, we need to talk."

Superman looked up in surprise. "What's wrong?", he asked.

"Have you been monitoring every bigger crime or catastrophe scene in the past few weeks?"

"Well, the computer shows us the ones where our help is required and we help where we can."

"No, I mean the bigger ones the computer didn't show us. Did you watch those, too?"

"Why would I? If somebody needs our help with something and the computer doesn't show it, they'll alert us."

"That's just the point!"

"What?"

"They don't."

"Don't what, Bruce?!"

"They don't alert us. Even if you haven't, I have been watching crime and catastrophe scenes all around the world. In the past five weeks there were 34 occasions where our help was reqired and we weren't alerted. 23 of those in the USA and Canada, only 11 in the rest of the world"; Batman growled.

"So?"

"Clark, someone needed our help 34 times and 34 times we weren't called!"

"Who says they really needed our help? Maybe they dealt with the situation themselves!"

"OK, let's say that on ten occasions in the last five weeks we could have helped but people didn't think of calling us or thought they didn't need our help for some reason. If these ten occasions were spread across the globe I'd still call it normal. But we are talking about 34, not ten occasions and 23 of those were in the USA and Canada. There's definitely something fishy going on. Why would someone not want our help?"

"I get your point, Bruce, but it could still be a coincidence." 'Yeah, that must be it', Clark thought. Bruce was just being his paranoid self.

"I don't believe in coincidence."

"Fine, don't, but there's still no point alerting the others. Let's watch the situation for another two weeks. If there are too many if your occasions then we'll think of something. If not, we'll forget it, OK?"

"Fine. Two weeks. I'll alert Oracle."

Batman turned on his heel and marched out of the door.

Superman shook his head. This man had serious issues. He obviously couldn't stand the thought that someone might not need or want his help. Clark sighed and turned back to the monitor. Just as long as paranoia wasn't contagious he was not going to try and change Bruce. Not that that would work, anyway.

\---------------------------------

 

 

Watchtower, the next day

Great. He had monitor duty. There were so many other things he needed to do but he had to stay here and wait for a catastrophe on earth. Really great. He should be keeping an eye on the situation he talked to Clark about, but for that he needed the computer in the Batcave and for that he needed to get out of monitor duty. Sure, monitor duty was important, but why did he have to do when there were so many other things that needed his attention? He decided to see what the other Leaguers were doing, just to pass the time. He pressed a few buttons.

Diana was in her room reading a book.

John and Flash were watching a chick flick. (Well actually Flash was, John wasn’t paying much attention and seemed to be waiting for an opportunity to switch the channel. He probably wanted to watch football or something.)

Hawkgirl was looking through her closet.

Clark was writing a letter. Batman assumed it was addressed to the Kents.

J’onn was in the medbay checking the equipment.

Nothing interesting. He could be doing so much more useful things back in Gotham. The computer had an alarm system after all. It would alert the League of emergencies on earth. And in the meantime one of his teammates could keep an eye on the monitor. It wasn’t like they had anything important to do.

After ten minutes Batman decided to check on the others again.

Diana was still reading her book.

Clark was still writing his letter.

No changes so far.

J’onn was still working in the medbay.

Flash was now watching TV alone.

Boring.

Hawkgirl was shouting at Green Lantern in the kitchen.

That might be interesting. He activated the microphone.

“I did not!”, John was shouting.

“Yes you did!”; Hawkgirl shouted back.

“Why would I do something like that?!” John seemed confused and angry at the same time.

“How should I know? You’re the one who did it! You should know!”

“I didn’t do anything like that!”

“Who else would do something like that?”

“I don’t know! But I know it wasn’t me! Why don’t you go check if you made a mistake? Maybe you’re wrong and nobody did anything!”

“I’m a detective, I wasn’t mistaken!”

“You know what? I don’t care. I didn’t do anything like you think I did. If you don’t believe me, that’s not my problem:” And John left the kitchen leaving an obviously baffled and very angry Hawkgirl behind.

Well, at least that was a bit interesting. Batman didn’t really care what they were fighting about. But, he decided, If there was nothing interesting in the next half hour he would try (and of course manage) to find out.

There was a rustling behind him. In one movement switched the monitor back to natural catastrophes and crime scenes on earth and turned around in his chair.

“Corax! Charcuterie!

Damn parrot!

“Corax, charcuterie, charcuterie, corax, charcuterie!”

Why had he agreed to let that bird stay? He hoped the parrot would do some damage soon. Not real damage, just enough to get rid of him.

Batman turned back to the monitor and prepared for another long and boring hour of monitor duty, punctuated by occasional ‘charcuterie’s.

\---------------------------------------------------------------

Two hours later

Diana was on monitor duty, Batman had left for Gotham as soon as his shift was over.

Superman entered the Monitor Womb.

“Sorry to bother”, he said, “I just need the updated info on LexCorp.”

“That’s OK, I’ve been wanting to talk to you anyway.”

“Why?”, Superman asked, trying (and failing) to hide his surprise.

“I want to learn more about man’s world. I was hoping you could give me some advice. I have a lot to familiarize myself with and I don’t know where to start.”

“You could start by going out on a date with someone.” Superman grinned to himself. This was to good an opportunity to pass.

“A date?”, Diana asked, frowning.

“Yes, you said you wanted to learn more about man’s world, so you could start by going out on a date with a man.”

“If that is what you think is best, I will try it”, Diana said, hesitantly, “But with whom should I go out?”

Superman grinned.

“I know the perfect man”, he said, “Bruce Wayne.”

“Who is that?”

“He is a successful, wealthy bachelor, so you’ll just be one in a whole crowd, which is good, since you only want to learn more about a date.”

“I have faith in your opinion, Kal”; Diana said, smiling, “If you think that is best I will try it.”

“I can arrange your date, I know Bruce pretty well.”

“Thanks, Kal. Here, the updates on LexCorp.”

“You’re welcome. I’ll go call Bruce.”

\---------------------------------------------------

“Wayne Manor.”

“Hello, Alfred. It’s me, Clark. Could I talk to Bruce, please?”

“Certainly, one moment, please.”

. . .

“Hello?”

“Hey, Bruce, it’s me, Clark.”

“What do you want?”

“You’ve got another date. Eight p.m. next Friday.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Your date.”  
“I don’t have a date.”

“Now you do!”

“Clark!”

“OK, I get it, you want facts. Time: 8:00 p.m., Day: next Friday, Place: Icepalace in Gotham City, Your date: Diana of Themyscira.”

“I’m not going on a date, I’m on patrol.”

“Ask Nightwing or Robin to do that. You can’t, because you’re going out on a date.”

“I am not!”

“Sure you are. Or do you want the public to get suspicious? Bruce Wayne has a date with a beautiful and famous woman and cancels it? A scandal! Think what that would do to your image!”

“1) I never had a date and 2) How would the public know?”

“I have a good contact to the guy who doe the gossip column at the Daily Planet.”

“You **** (non-PG word)!”

“See you soon, Bruce!”

Bruce slammed the receiver back on the phone. He’d get back at Clark for this. He hated it when Clark did this kind of thing. But he hated it even more when Clark was right. And Clark happened to be right this time. There was no way for Bruce Wayne to cancel his date with Wonder Woman without arousing suspicion.

‘You just wait, Clark’; he thought, ‘It might just prove useful that I always carry some Kryptonite with me.’

\-----------------------------------------

 

Watchtower, half an hour later

"Hello?" Diana knocked on Hawkgirl's door again.

"Come in." Shayera sounded grumpy.

Diana opened the door.

"Oh, it's you, Di. I thought it might be John." She scowled at the thought.

"That- oh, never mind. What brings you here?"

"I need your help, Shy."

"With what?"

"I need you to help me pick out a dress for my date. I have no experience with these things."

"You're going on a date? With whom?"

"Bruce Wayne." Diana shrugged. "Kal suggested it."

"What?! The Bruce Wayne?! That womanizing playboy?! You can't be serious, Di! And Superman suggested it? That guy has a new girl every week!"

"Yeah, that's what Superman said. He thought I'd just be another girl of his, so it would be a good try out a date without hurting someone's feelings."

"Diana, this is Bruce Wayne we're talking about. He's bound to try something mean. he's famous for it. And it won't help matters that it's your first date."

"I can defend myself. And if Kal thinks it's a good idea I don't see anything wrong with it."

"OK,OK, but why do you want to go out on a date anyway?"

"Superman suggested that, too. I told him I wanted to learn more about man's world and he said I should go out on a date."

"Of all the things you could do he tells you to go out on a date?! Oh boy. Next time you want to learn more about man's world, ask me first, ok?"

"I will. And will you help me get ready for my date?"

"'Course I will. When's your date?"

"The day after tomorrow."

"Right. I have monitor duty tomorrow, but I'll get Flash to do that. We're going shopping. Is eleven o' clock okay with you?"

"Yes, it's fine. Thanks Shy!"

Diana left for the training room.

'I'm going to have to talk to Superman.', Shayera thought.

'Of all the thing Diana could do to explore man's world he tells her to go out on a date. And of all the people Diana could go out with he suggests Bruce Wayne. That guy's gone mad.'

\--------------------------------------------------

At the same time in the kitchen

"Flash?"

"Flash! What are you doing?"

John had just entered the kitchen and was astounded to see Flash decorating the room with what he recognized as mistletoe and colorful Easter eggs.

"Wha...you..."

Oh boy, the kid was drunk. Great.

John then had to duck very suddenly because Flash had started pelting him with easter eggs.

"Hey!" John turned around to look for something like a bucket of water to empty on the kid's head and saw a carved pumpkin standing in the corner. There was even a candle inside it. what was a Halloween pumpkin doing in the Watchtower kitchen in July?

Flash used John's moment of distraction to throw a bag of flour at him. It hit John on the back of the head and broke. Flour was everywhere.

"Stop!" John used his ring to engulf Flash in a green bubble just as he was reaching for the tomatoes.

"What's going on? Why have you been drinking? you know alcohol was banned from the Watchtower!"

"Li-Linda. She ... she thinks I'm to immi... imma... immature.", hiccuped Flash.

Oh, so that was it. The kid had trouble with his girlfriend, Linda Park, again.

"And what's all this about?", the Green Lantern asked, pointing at the mistletoe, the Easter eggs and the pumpkin in the corner.

"Oh that." The thought of whatever he had been doing in the kitchen before john entered it seemed to cheer him up.

"Those are the decorations for Flashday." he almost didn't sound drunk anymore. Maybe he also had a super-speed way of ridding his body of alcohol-effects.

"What's Flashday?"

"It's my very own holiday", Flash declared brightly, And I'm using my favorite parts of other

holidays in mine. Mistletoe, Easter eggs and a Halloween pumpkin. All that's missing now is a Christmas tree with presents.

"What on earth is going on here?!"

Superman had just entered the kitchen and was taking in the decorations of mistletoe and colored Easter eggs, the pumpkin, the broken eggs that made the kitchen look very slimy, John, who was covered from head to foot in flour and Flash, who was still in John's bubble and had a tomato in each hand.

"If this were played upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction.", Superman mumbled.

"Shakespeare, Twelfth Night, act 3, scene 4." Batman had (as always) appeared seemingly out of thin air.

Then he caught sight of the scene in the kitchen.

"What's going on?", he demanded.

"He was drunk", John stated. "He was throwing eggs and flour at me and I was trying to stop him."

That explained the egg slime, the flour, the green bubble, the tomatoes and the beer bottles hidden in a corner.

"And these, uh, decorations?", Superman asked, pointing at the pumpkin, the mistletoe and the Easter eggs

Flash explained about Flashday.

"You can celebrate any holiday you want, but you can't use the Watchtower kitchen for your purpose." And Batman made a grumbling Flash clean up the kitchen.

\-------------------------------------------------

Watchtower, 5 p.m.

Shayera was in her room, thinking about her argument with John.

"Maybe he was telling the truth, maybe he really didn't do it.", said Angel-Shayera, fluttering her wings.

" He was the only one who knew, who else could it be?", sneered Devil-Shayera.

"Maybe he mentioned it to someone else", suggested Angel-Shayera, absentmindedly stroking her harp.

"But he promised not to tell anyone, so if he did he is just as guilty, isn't he!", argued Devil-Shayera, brandishing her trident.

"Ok, I get it, he would never tell anybody. he promised not to, so he didn't. But maybe someone else found out somehow."

"You're a detective, and detectives follow clues, so here's my clue for you: John was the only one who knew. I'd make a good poet, wouldn't I?", Devil-Shayera told the real Shayera.

"You said that before and John would never do something like that."

Angel-Shayera then had to duck away from the lightning bolts that Devil-Shayera was sending at her from her trident.

"Will you cut it out, I'm trying to think!", the real Shayera shouted at her tiny devil and Angel counterparts.

They looked at her guiltily.

"Sorry.", they said before vanishing.

Shayera just sighed.

\-------------------------------------------------------

Watchtower, somewhere around midnight

Everybody was asleep in the Watchtower. Well, almost everybody. A large figure dressed in blue and wearing a red cape and red boots was awake. The figure was walking down the corridor that led to the Monitor Womb. No, not walking –bouncing. It was lucky that the Watchtower was so big or everybody else would have been awake by now.

The figure continued it’s bouncing until it reached the door to the Monitor Womb. It pushed the door open and practically ran inside.

Flash, who had monitor duty, jerked awake suddenly. Superman was entering the room looking very awake.

“Flash, you look tired, go to bed, I’ll take monitor duty. I hope there’ll be a catastrophe somewhere.”

Superman now had started running in circles all around the room.

“Supes, dude, are you ok?” Flash was still groggy, but not enough so to fail to notice that this was not the way Superman usually behaved at midnight, or, as a matter of fact, at any part of the day.

“’Course I’m fine. So, is there a catastrophe?”

“No. You know, I think you’re the one who should go back to bed.”, Flash said to the now levitating Superman.

“No, no, you go, I’ll take care here.” Superman cartwheeled around the Monitor Womb.

What on earth was going on with the big guy? Maybe he should get J’onn. Flash reached for his supply of candy-canes. He needed something to eat to calm his nerves. He took his hand out of the box, expecting to find three or four candy-canes in it, but his hand was empty. Maybe he was so tired that the candy canes had slipped out of his hand. He reached into the box again. Again he got no candy-canes. Flash stared at his own hand. Then he looked into the box.

It was empty.

“Who ate my candy-canes?”; he roared.

Superman stopped cartwheeling in the air.

“I did.”, he said, honest as always.

“What? You ate all my candy-canes?”

Well, at least that explained Superman’s strange behaviour. No one but himself could eat a whole box of candy-canes without being on a sugar high afterwards.

Flash decided it was best to let Superman take monitor duty. After eating a whole box of candy canes he would be awake all night and asleep the next day.

So Flash, still groggy, trotted of to bed and let Supermen take care of nightly emergencies on earth.

He was about to brush his teeth when he noticed that someone else was in his bathroom, too. He searched in the semi-darkness for the light switch, not having bothered to turn on the light before.

He felt the switch and pressed it. Immediately the light flickered on. He found himself staring at his own image in the mirror.

Deciding that he really needed to get to bed he skipped brushing his teeth and crawled directly into bed.

\----------------------------------------

Watchtower, the next morning

A giant snore echoed through the Watchtower. It was so loud that, on earth, it would have driven all the birds out of nearby trees. But this didn’t apply to this situation since there were no trees anywhere near the Watchtower and the only bird was Corax, who had just awoken Flash from a deep sleep with a series of loud “ charcuterie ”s.

Since Flash was not very pleased with this and since he knew his teammates would be even less pleased if the same thing happened to them, he used his super-speed to catch Corax tape his beak shut with a roll of tape he had found on the floor. Then he flopped back into bed and fell asleep again immediately. Now it was Corax who wasn’t pleased. In his attempt to free himself from the tape Corax ended up in the Monitor Womb where Superman was snoring loudly enough to wake up everybody else if everybody else (except for Flash, who’s room was very far away from the Monitor Womb) hadn’t already been awoken by the first snore.

But since they were all trying to fall asleep again they were very happy when Superman stopped snoring due to the fact that Corax had awoken him by giving him by giving him an electric shock. Well, actually it was the computer that gave Superman the shock, but since it was Corax who pressed the right buttons and made the computer shock Supermen, the parrot is the one to be blamed.

“Argh!” (unarticulated scream)

“Bzzl” (sound of sizzling electric shock)

“Charcuterie!” (sound originated by a parrot with a taped beak)

Then all was silent. For two seconds.

“Damn parrot! You…”, Superman began, breaking off when he remembered that it was bad to swear.

Then he remembered some other things.

Candy canes.

Flash.

Monitor Duty.

A long and peaceful sleep with sweet dreams that included Lois Lane.

Wiping the last thing from his mind, Superman shook his head, trying to shake away the last bits of sleepiness.

He looked around and noticed Corax and his taped beak.

While absentmindedly freeing the parrot’s beak of the tape he mentally scolded himself for falling asleep while on monitor duty. He could never let that happen again. What if earth had been in danger while he, Superman slept? He must never let that happen again. He then into a deep, more silent sleep and would only be awoken in two hours time by a tired Flash entering the Monitor Womb.

\-------------------------------------------------

 


End file.
